Just had a thought, and I figure the only people interested in reading it would be people who read here.  It's just a quick list, more or less: what things a man can experience that are equal to, or - brace yourself - GREATER than sex.

1. The feeling you get when you burp during your favorite meal, and realize that you just cleared up some space and can enjoy that meal even longer.
2. When you finally release a piss after holding it for a too-damn-long amount of time (if you don't believe me, hold it in for 4+ hours and release... BETTER than most orgasms).
3. Getting to the point of your favorite movie where you know all the words... and your loved one/best friend ALSO knows the words, and you can act out the scene like dorks... and neither of you cares because it's a fucking BLAST.
4. Sitting at the bar and getting a drink from a stranger, and when you raise it to them to thank them, they raise their drink back, and leave you the hell alone (unless they're cute, and YOU decide to go over and thank THEM).
5. Playing an awesome video game while your date/significant other tries to "distract" you, but when you get to the part you want to show them they realize how awesome it is and plop down right next to you to see it.

And yes, all five of these things have happened to me before.  A little background on my favorite one though, in case I didn't tell it here: good ol' number five.

We had been dating for about a month, and I was playing through a game titled Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 FES (if you like role-playing games, check it out because it's AMAZING).  I wanted to show him an awesome scene that happens early on to set up the feeling of the whole experience: a young emo-esque school kid pulls out an "Evoker" (basically a Glock) and shoots himself in the head to summon a DEMON.  It's AMAZING.

So while I'm ramping up to this scene, he's gradually trying to "distract" me.  And he almost does it a few times.  His hands up and down my back, massaging my butt, trying to turn me over to work on that certain part of the male body, but still I try and persevere.  Slowly but surely, I get to that point, and as soon as the scene starts he's laying right next to me on the bed, facing the screen, watching bug-eyed and nearly shouting "DUDE, THAT'D FUCKING AWESOME!"

Who needs an orgasm when a nerdgasm does the trick SO, SO MUCH BETTER?

That doesn't sound like much to start with, but it's been a while and I typically have only written in here when I've had something worth saying that I felt shouldn't/couldn't be shared with people I "know" in my everyday life.  The more I really think about a statement like that one, the more truth it starts to carry; it might be seen as a downer, something that's only true if you put power behind it, but according to most every expected outcome I can think of, it fits the bill better every day.

 

I have some big (and not so big) dreams, like to be a writer full-time instead of just a small review-writing gig.  In other words, I would like a full-time job I can take some real pride in and enjoy.  I hate my current job.  It's boring, tedious, dead-end and the constant feel of dread I feel in going to the office makes me want to call in sick every day.

 

I want to move out of my current situation, but unless something serious happens I'm stuck living with my mom for the next year or two.  The more I'm here, the worse I seem to feel, and the less she helps such a feeling.  She's "supportive," but more in that "I'll listen but I don't really care" sort of way.  I don't know where my empathy and willingness to listen to people came from, but both of my parents aren't it; it's something I need from someone else, so I give it freely, and get nothing back in return when I ask for it.  I don't even have any regular friends anymore... I don't talk to anyone, I don't get-together with anyone, I don't hang out, no one I know has ANY of the same tastes I do in almost any way, I don't even have a kitty anymore to pet and hug when I need some kind of affection; I have nothing.

 

In short, I'm alone.  And I'm lonely.  And I realize that my current situation is entirely my fault, as the decisions I've made have put me here.  When I get into these funks, I'll be perfectly honest, I do think about just ending it all.  Write up a quick little "give this to them, that to them" kind of deal, and put myself out of my misery.  But then, I can't even do that, because my own feelings are too ego-driven and see it as a cheap, meaningless way out, which would just fit the rest of the goddamn puzzle.  To put it in poker terms, I'm on some serious tilt right now, and I don't know how to dig myself out.

 

I'm not looking for advice, so please, don't add any.  I'm not looking for kind words, or "I know what you mean" feelings or anything.  I just want to be heard in some small way.  That anyone who - for some god-awful reason - reads this blog might flip over this as the ramblings of a down, disappointed young man who needs a shoulder at the moment.  That's probably a good place for me to shut up.

 

Good night, and good luck.

I can't think of another title right now, so I suppose that will have to do.

The past two weeks have just been, for the most part, very "I don't want to feel like this."  On the 25th, I lost my kitty, and it was probably the kicker for how I feel right now.  She was the first one I came out to, she was the first one I talked to about a lot of different, difficult and sometimes painful thoughts/moments, and now... she's gone.  She was my best friend, and she lived to be 12 years old.  That's nearly half my life span, so yeah, she's been there through a lot of difficult times.

Then, just a bunch of shit at work that's had me feeling tired and frustrated.  This stuff happens, and before it hasn't gotten to me (because I haven't let it) but for some reason, now it's sticking in my head, and the emotions just aren't going away.  I had something decent going there, but for some reason I can't get myself out of whatever rut it's put me in.

And just today, after getting barely any sleep last night (and basically seeing/hearing things that aren't there... I don't know of a better word for it, so "hallucinating") and feeling like a walking pile of shit today, I talk to my mom at lunch, and she was talking to me in such a way that she might as well have outwardly been calling me an idiot at a mental point where I just couldn't hear it.

Oh, almost forgot: one more check-up to make sure I don't have HIV.  It's fluctuated being on my mind lately, this last one SHOULD be just a formality, but still it's that barely-there percentage that it might pop up that can scare you the most.  Will this be the time I get "lucky" and all that... only bright side is, weird enough, I've never been particularly "lucky" in any way.

A bunch of little things, combined with the one big thing, have just started to screw with me.  I don't know why it didn't set in before, but alas, here it is now, with all of its hair-ripping, gut-fucking, shit-dropping glory.  And it's putting me in a place that I don't want to ever be in... it's making me feel like how I did back in high school, back in junior high, back in college, back when I decided I didn't want to be this person.  And it feels like I've become them again, and it really hurts.  I feel like I don't want anything to do with my family, my friends, my co-workers, my life... the only thing I know I DO want is my kitty back, and that's not going to happen.

Fuck it.  I'll find a way to get past this.  I can't let this do anything to me; I don't want to start shouting that "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" kind of garbage, but I know I just don't want to be in this place.  This house, this state of mind, I'm just feeling trapped.

I do apologize for the somewhat lengthy, possibly emo-written post (if I start writing any kind of shitty poetry, somebody please beat me back to color), but... maybe I just needed to see some of this shit out in written form.  I know I'm overreacting to some of these things, but it's those little things that can get to you the most.

G'night, everybody. *hug*

(P.S. I love you, my kitty.)